Monday, January 24, 2011

Goodbye my friend; Khoda Hafez Doostiman

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Spain for a year. It's surreal, it hasn't hit me, I don't believe it at all. I've started saying goodbye but it still hasn't sunk in. People keep asking me if I'm excited and I don't know what to say, honestly. I am but my mentality has changed so much lately and I think I'm still trying to reconcile all that I've learned through my experience with the asylum seekers I met in Darwin with the life I was leading beforehand. I'm trying to piece together the fact that I'm leaving for a year to a place that will change everything, again.

I have big plans but a lot of the time they seem too big to start with something so little. They are daunting, looming. I know it will be beyond anything I have experienced thus far and maybe that's why I'm a little scared. To be completely honest, I'm shaking in my boots. I'm resisting the change because I know I will be different, everything will be different; I don't want to give in.

That's another thing I've learned after coming back, is that you can't stagnate, you have to move forward. You can't press pause and you can't rewind, you can't even make things go in slow motion. Life goes on with or without you and the best you can do is carry on. I'm a sucker for nostalgia, a stick for memories and recaps of 'glory days'. I make videos and look at photos over and over, I write about it and re-read what I've written, I go over and over things in my head.

Not having made any predictions or resolutions about this year so far, I think the only one I want to have is going forward, making things happen, shaking it up. I've been pretty stable last year, things had been slowing down and now everything seems to be zooming past at a rate I can't keep up. I've been clinging to the past, even to the recent present because the future seems to hard, too murky and unknown.

One of the many, invaluable life lessons I've learned in Darwin is you make what you want of it. You're given what you've got and there are 2 ways about it, both of which depend on you. It would be an insult to the people I've met, those sincere and kind friends, to waste my time on self-pity or anxiety. To live in a way which honours the wonderful memories we had, the silly jokes and the dedication to laughter that came with everything we did.

Once again, this one is for them. Moving on, pushing forward, fighting the dark, murky side of life and committing to seeing every funny thing, every little one of life's absurdities and jokes. Walking into the big great unknown with a smile on my face and the look of laughter playing on my face. 

1 comment:

  1. Good luck Grace! I know you will have a good time.
    Be safe and thank God.