Monday, March 18, 2013

How to be an asshole

1. Believe you are right and that everybody else is wrong. Even when you realise that you are wrong, continue to insist that you are right, sometimes at the expense of your own better judgment and often the patience of your friends.

2. Never apologise, ever. Just don't do it. So you were wrong, and you know it, adamantly and persistently deny the evidence. Take the secret knowledge of this to the grave. Humility is for wimps and decent human beings. Let pride dictate your actions and willed ignorance your words.

3. Reserve the right to not do something you said you would. If you said you'd call, don't bother picking up the phone. If you said you'd be there, don't show up. Provide no excuses, or if pressed and if you're feeling particularly obliging offer lame, barely plausible half ass attempts to cover your tracks.

4. Seek people only when it is convenient for you. If, at four am in the morning, you are feeling insecure and perhaps a little lonely don't think twice about calling somebody you are never there for but whom you know has the kind of decency and kindness you can take sweet advantage of.

5. Take nobody's feelings into consideration other than your own. Do not walk a mile in somebody else's shoes. Empathy is discouraged and highly counterproductive in your efforts to be an asshole. All it does is lessen your ability to think about what you want and how you're going to get it.

Sometimes people are assholes. I've had my fair share of moments, so coming from a currently reforming sometimes regressing former asshole - the motto shit happens or I don't care are not good enough. Even knowing that everyone can be an asshole doesn't help. What does help is:
1. realising when you are being an asshole and
2. learning how not to be, by learning how decent people treat each other

Do exactly the opposite of what an asshole would, avoid the classic asshole motto Insecurity-Is-An-Excuse-For-Everything and you'll steer clear of this most common and sometimes contagious of all human diseases. Go forth children, don't be assholes play nice!

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