Thursday, March 7, 2013

The reckoning

All of the things. The crap days where you want to blame your period for being such a bitch but you can't. The routine that used to comfort you but now only irks and inflames some slumbering unrest. The way you drown and dull it in red wine and busy-ness. The self-deprecating humour. The endless comparison with everybody else your age who are ahead in a game you don't even want to play.

The foreign movies and sbs documentaries and youtube clips you stream when you should be sleeping. The fear that grips you at the height of your insomnia. The laughter that almost turns into crying. The call centre work or admin or part time jobs that are not your career and have nothing to do with a career you have not yet even begun to discern. The boys you kiss feverishly on a one-time-only deal. The way you learn you can be tender without feeling any tenderness at all.

The reading, sideways and upside down and with your arms in the air above your head until it hurts. The way you talk about the books you read and information you consume, in that arrogant way young people have of thinking they know what they're talking about. The way you feel like you'll never master spanish, no matter how many countries you go to or how long you spend there. The cheap thai dinners that always consist of conversations that are collages of doubts and stories and insatiable curiosity. The dancing, oh, god, the dancing. As if your life sanity depended on it. Dancing is how the world melts away.

All of these things, this is your reckoning.

There'll be some time in the future, far enough away in years for it to come sooner in life than you think - when all of these things will stop making up your life. You are half-baked, you're not ready yet. Kid, you're not even close.

You're the crappy pencil sketches of Picasso's Guernica before it became Picasso's Guernica. The reckoning, this is the reckoning.

1 comment:

  1. ... and the podcasts you listen to just to hear conversations from people that remotely simulate your inner dialogue.

    Life. Oh the humanity!